非稼ぐ系アフィリエイトまとめ 情報商材アフィリエイト道場

情報商材アフィリエイト道場
管理人のRyu-Gです。




ここ数日お伝えしてきた

非稼ぐ系アフィリエイトをまとめます。

■■　非稼ぐ系アフィリエイトまとめ




　ここ数日にわたって

　非稼ぐ系商材を
　ブログでアフィリエイトする方法を
　お伝えしてきました。




　細かく伝えたいことはまだまだあるんですが

　いろいろと伝えすぎて
　混乱してしまったり、
　難しく思ったりされるといけないので
　
　ここで一旦、まとめておきます。




　非稼ぐ系商材を
　ブログでアフィリエイトしていく流れは
　非常にシンプルです。




　商材に興味がある人をブログに集める
　　↓
　記事で実践報告や情報提供を行う
　　↓
　マニュアルをすすめて購入してもらう




　すごくシンプルな流れですね。

　誰でも実践できます。




　「本当にこれでも売れるのか？」
　と思われるかもしれませんが

　非稼ぐ系の商材は売れるんですね。




　もちろん、売れるまでには
　多少の時間は必要になりますが。




　以前にもお伝えしたように

　非稼ぐ系の商材に興味がある人は
　アフィリエイトを知らない人が多い。




　つまり、アフィリエイトを知っている人に
　アフィリエイトするよりも

　簡単に購入してもらえます。　




　ただ、アフィリエイトを知らないということは
　広告に慣れていないということなので

　宣伝色は極力出さないように
　しなければいけません。




　毎回記事で商材を紹介していては

　「宣伝ばかりのブログだな」と思われ
　すぐに読者は離れていきます。




　ブログの記事はなるべく
　実践報告や情報提供の記事に徹して
　
　ある程度、読者が集めるようになれば
　「同じ悩みがある方は使ってみては・・・」
　くらいで紹介するのがいいでしょう。




　あくまでブログは
　情報発信を行うというスタンスが大事です。

　これは稼ぐ系にも言えますが。




　サイドバーにも、
　広告は極力載せないことです。




　ブログに読者が集まり
　あなたの記事が信用されるようになれば

　むしろ、アフィリエイトしなくても
　稼げるようになります。




　どういう事かと言うと
　
　読者さんから
　「使っているマニュアルを教えてください」
　と言われるようになります。




　つまり、「そのマニュアル売ってください」と
　言われているようなものです。




　これが、理想的なブログですね。

　売らなくても売れるブログ。




　なので、読者さんに役に立つ情報を
　ブログで発信していくこと、
　　
　自分と同じ悩みを持った人が
　その悩みを解決できる情報を発信することが

　重要なんですね。




　自分の悩みを解決できて
　
　読者さんの悩みを解決して感謝されて

　さらに、稼げてしまう




　こんなビジネス、最高じゃないですか？

　


　是非、非稼ぐ系商材のアフィリエイトを
　
　実践してみてください。




　以前にもお伝えしましたが
　この非稼ぐ系アフィリエイトの方法を

　もっと具体的に知りたい方や
　成約率を高めるブログの仕掛けを学びたい方には

　「新世紀ブログアフィリエイト」をおすすめします。





　新世紀ブログアフィリエイトは、ブログを使った
　情報商材アフィリエイトマニュアルですが

　非稼ぐ系のアフィリエイトに向いています。




　ブログにアフィリエイトリンクを
　全く貼らない為、宣伝色がまったくありません。

　読者に嫌われることがないんですね。




　そして、ある場所へ読者を誘導することで

　超高確率で商材が売れる仕掛けを作ります。




　ブログは売れないと思っている人が

　真っ青になるブログ戦略です。




　■新世紀ブログアフィリエイト（レビュー記事）

　→http://ryu-g.net/info-review/post-43.html




　■メール相談

　　アフィリエイトや情報商材について
　　悩み・不安な点などの相談・質問がある場合は
　　お気軽にご相談ください。

　　→ http://ryu-g.net/menu/post-2.html

　情報商材アフィリエイト道場■ＴＯＰ

こんばんは。

いつもコメントありがとうございます。

宣伝色を抑えるのが難しいと感じます。役立つ情報を発信して、感謝されるのは良いことだと分かってはいるのですが。

では今日も応援させていただきます。

Ryu-Gさん、
こんばんは！
大学生ブログアドバイザーのキョンです＾＾

いつも暖かいコメントありがとう
ございます!

趣味のブログある方は、非稼ぐ系に
持っていきやすいですね＾＾

応援します！
ぽち～

Ryu-Gさん、こんばんは！
プラス姿考のken+です。

非稼ぐ系はシンプルなんですね。
やってみる価値ありそうですね。

応援ぽち！

はじめまして
ささと申します。

すごく的を得てうなずける内容です。
本質ってかなり単純でそれこそ歩くようなものですね

趣味ブログはアダルトですが
そっちでやったらアマゾンで1日15件の成約もありました

こんにちは！リ・ファリーヌです。

非稼ぐ系というと趣味ブログを
ちょっといじればいいのかも～
と思ってみましたが＾＾

たしかにアフィリブログなんかより
成約率高いんでしょうね。

応援！！

こんにちは～ミズキです♪
いつもコメ＆応援ありがとうございます＾＾

非稼ぐ系はライバルが少なそうだから
良いですよね。

趣味ブログだから楽しんでできそうだし★

えいっ(*￣▽￣)ノ凸ﾞ

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[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The truth is more important than the facts.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

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Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
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Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

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If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

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After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

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Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

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Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

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After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Why don't you write books people can read?

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.